Thursday, March 27, 2008

Pregnancy, miscarriage, fertility, infertility, siblings, honesty, and JEALOUSY

This post has been brewing in my head for about a month, and it's time to get some things off my chest. I've been hesitant to write about all of this, because many of my friends are pregnant, or just had new babies. I want to say that I honestly am happy for all of you (I'll only say that once, but it will be true throughout this whole post). I still love to hear about the pregnancies, births, and new-baby life. But at the same time, I hate to hear about them, because I want it to be me. This may not be the best written post, and it might be a bunch of disjointed thoughts, but it's something I need to say.

I thought I was supposed to have a baby in March. When I miscarried in July/August, I knew for a week or so that it was probably going to happen. I was upset, but since we got pregnant so easily, I moved on quickly with plans for another baby as soon as possible. But since my second miscarriage in December, March didn't pass by as easily as I had expected. Babies have been born to moms that got pregnant around the same time I did. And it kills me inside to miss that for myself. June/July will be even harder than March has been, because I thought I was supposed to have a baby then as well. And it will kill me inside to miss that for myself. And Marissa.

I don't have any doubts that as soon as we start trying again, I'll get pregnant easily. But we are waiting for other reasons, and it's killing me inside. We've discussed it in great length, but it's best that we wait.

I also feel so guilty for that, because there are so many women who don't have that confidence. They've tried for months or even years, and still don't have a healthy child to show for it. What right do I have to complain about my perfectly wonderful (yet small) family?

My new job. Families I see in stores. Siblings on blogs I read. There are so many times I hurt inside because I want to give Marissa a sibling. When she turned 1, I realized that I wanted a small age difference, and even if I got pregnant right that second, it was going to be a bigger difference that I ideally wanted. Almost a year later, we are still no closer to having a sibling for her, and she's only getting older. To watch her with the 7 month old at my new job, I just know she would be THE PERFECT big sister. She's so gentle, giving kisses and hugs any time the baby even starts to whimper. She tells me to pick the baby up to make her feel better. She gives her toys, her pacifier, and even tried to give her her bottle once. She's been in love with every baby she's seen for at least 6 months.

I want to be pregnant. I want to feel a life growing inside me. I want to have 9 months of giddy anticipation. I want to ENJOY newborn life, because with Marissa I was so miserable breastfeeding at first, I don't even remember her first 4 months or so. I want to watch Marissa cuddle a tiny baby, and have that baby be ours. I want to watch Marissa grow up to be close to her siblings, in age and in love.

There were so many thoughts in my head, somehow I thought this post would be longer. But I guess that about sums it up. I am suffering from extreme jealousy and bitterness. I realize I have so much to be thankful for, but it's hard, when there's still so much that I want for our life. I'm doing better with it, but I still have a long way to go, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely over it all. Somewhere, God has a reason for all this CRAP that I've gone through. But I'm still waiting to find that out.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008


Easter Weekend
My parents and brother Jeff arrived from NY Thursday night, and my grandparents from PA arrived Friday for dinner. We pretty much just sat around, talked, played with Marissa, and ate awesome food. But on Saturday the men went to some museum and the rest of us went to get Marissa's FIRST HAIR CUT! We went to one of those kid's places so Marissa got to sit in a car and watch The Wiggles while the lady took 2 seconds to snip Marissa's mullet off. Lol. It looked kinda weird at first, but after a bath it curled under, and looks pretty cute. We had so much fun with all the family here. Marissa loved everybody and had a blast. It's kinda funny, because she must have been so confused by all the grandparents and their names! She calls my mom "Mum!"(I called her "Mom" too often in front of her), my dad is "Pah-pah" but so were my grandparents, and she says "Pah-pah" the same way for Dan's dad too! As soon as they all left though, she was asking for every single one of them! This is how it went:

Rissa: "Mum? Pah-pah? Jep?"
Me: "They went to NY" or "They went to PA"
Rissa: "Me, Nyork"
Me: "You want to go to NY?"
Rissa: "Yeah!"
Me: "Me too"
Rissa: "Shoes?"

She really thought we'd be going! Poor girl. I wish we all lived closer. It was sad for everyone to leave, but my parents will be back for Marissa's birthday in a month, and hopefully Dan's parents will be able to come too. Oh, that reminds me, I need to go buy her the little bike from Walmart before they run out!

New Job
Monday was the first day of my new job. We got there a little before 9, and got home a little before 2. I wonder if she'll pay extra when she's late? Anyways, it wasn't too bad. The baby girl, M, is 7 months old and the boy, H, is 5 months older than Marissa. Marissa and H played well together most of the time. They pushed a dump truck back and forth forever. Both enjoyed throwing balls all over the place. But M was a tough baby today. She seemed pretty easy going when we visited last week, but today she just was not happy. It doesn't help that the mother doesn't have any sort of routine for her, she just said feed her when she's hungry and put her in her bed when she's tired. Hopefully once she gets to know me better, she won't be as grumpy. H was a little aggressive with Marissa, which I was expecting and prepared for. It made her scared of him for a few minutes each time he did something, but she got over it quickly. I think it will be good for Marissa to be a little rougher and tougher, but I won't let him hurt her. Marissa loved baby M. Every time she started crying, Rissa would run over to her and try to hug her. It was so cute, even though it made M cry even harder. Lol. The morning went by very slowly, but also quickly too somehow. The hardest part was lunch, because that was when M was the most grumpy, and I was scrounging around their kitchen for something Marissa might eat. H is a good eater, so hopefully that will rub off on Marissa a little bit! It was kinda annoying because they don't have very many clocks in their house, and every clock I saw had a different (wrong) time on it! So I had to carry around my phone in my pocket all morning so I had some idea of what time it was. All in all, though, it wasn't awful. And I suspect it might get better after a few days. I'm starting off by being very strict with H so he knows his limits! I have no desire to watch a boy that I've grown to hate because he won't listen to me! I think this job will be ok, as long as H learns I'm the boss, and as long as M starts liking me.

We got home from work at 2, and I rushed Marissa into her crib. She slept for over 2 hours, while I recovered from our crazy morning. Their house was pretty chilly, so I got to curl up on my couch with my blanket and read some blogs

When Rach got home Monday night, Dan and I went to Brio (Italian restaurant) while Rach watched Rissa. I didn't really want to go, because I felt bad about not giving Marissa my full attention all day at work, but Dan and I enjoyed the time alone, and Marissa had fun with Rach. I'm nervous that Marissa will start to act up or be upset since we've never worked every day before, and it will be more difficult for me to give her the same attention she's used to. Hopefully I can make up for it when we're home.

The first three days of working have gone better than I expected. By Tuesday the baby was happy and fine with me, and Marissa and H get along so well. Marissa loves the baby too. It is wearing her out though - today she slept for 3 hours! Totally unheard of for her!

I guess that's all. If you're on Xanga, I posted zillions of pictures. If you're on Xanga and I don't have you on my list, just let me know. If I know you well enough, I'll add you so you can see pictures!

Friday, March 21, 2008


I got the job! We start Monday! My parents and bro are here! I'm going to bed!

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Crazy times

Well, I should be in bed, but instead, here I am! I've been racing around like a mad-woman this week, trying to get everything ready for my parents, bro, and grandparents who are coming to visit this weekend! I'm so excited! But since I got a bunch of stuff at the new Ikea last week (AWESOME!) and I'm constantly rearranging furniture anyways, there's way too much to do. And I still have to clean! I need to dust the living room, bookshelves, and piano. I need to scrub our tub and wash our sink. I have to clean the toilet and sink in the 1/2 bath. I need to sweep and mop the kitchen floor, the entryway floor, the 1/2 bath floor, the master bath floor, and the mudroom floor. I need to do laundry, put it away, then vacuum the hallway where all the laundry sits in a pile til I get to it. I need to finish hemming my new Ikea curtains and hang them up. PLUS we need groceries for everyone this weekend!

On top of all that, tomorrow Marissa and I are going to visit a lady and her two children about a possible nanny position. The only negative thing about the whole situation is that they have a cat. But other than that it sounds AWESOME! I really hope the visit goes well, her house is clean, and the cat hates people. Lol. It's about-freaking-time I found some job possibilities! I've been looking since at least January, and this is literally the first person I've corresponded with about a job. I send zillions of people emails, and left messages, but no one likes me I guess cuz none of them responded. Except for one lady, who even gave me a date to start working, but never called, never emailed back, never answered my frantic emails WAY past the date I was supposed to start. How rude is that? Anyways, I'm very excited about maybe finally finding a job. Especially one this awesome. It's only mornings, and it's very close, so we'll come home for lunch and nap, so I won't have to worry about Marissa REFUSING to nap, like she did at the end of our last job. Ahhhhhh! Please pray that this works out. I really need this.

Ok, well I need to get to sleep! First I need to find something to wear tomorrow that won't collect cat hairs. Then I'm going to crash! I'll take any tips you have on keeping cats away from me without touching them. Lol. I'm also a bit paranoid about it biting/scratching Marissa. Hmmm, maybe I'll lock it in a bathroom? Ha! Night :-)

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

Potty Training

Marissa is 22 months old. Far too young for potty training, in my mind. But at her 18-month check up, her pediatrician mentioned that "any time now" is a good time to start. We went to the store that afternoon to buy some pull-ups, undies, and a little potty. For several months now, she has told us as soon as she pooped. She also has been watching me when I use the bathroom. Sometimes she will randomly jump up, run toward the bathroom, start to pull her pants down, and say "pee-pee, pee-pee!" We've put her on the toilet several times, but she hasn't gone yet. She knows exactly what to do on the toilet though - she needs some toilet paper! Right now, it's just a pain though, since she doesn't actually do anything on the toilet. I'm so clueless about this whole potty training thing. So far, it's the most confusing part of parenting for me. I don't want to stop her from "using the potty" but until she actually "goes" it seems to be a waste of time and energy. Should I even bother? I feel bad turning her down, especially since she gets so excited to use toilet paper. Lol. But I'm so sick of changing poopy diapers! I could really use some tips on this whole potty training business, k? Thanks :-)

Monday, March 3, 2008

The Dentist

So growing up, my mom always made sure that my sister, brother, and I got our teeth checked and cleaned at the dentist every six months. I think I only had one or two cavities up until I got married. Once I graduated from college and got married, I found a dentist near our new apartment, and started going every six months, like I had been taught growing up. When I got pregnant two months after getting married, toothpaste was one of the things that set off my "morning sickness." I still brushed my teeth, but not nearly as often as I used to. Now that I'm a homemaker and SAHM, I typically don't even shower until my almost-two year old goes down for her nap. Most days, after my shower, I go back downstairs to eat some cookies or candy. If I ate it in front of my daughter, she would demand some, and I'm just not up to the tantrum when I say no! So I don't brush my teeth then either, because then the goodies would taste funny. And at my last dentist appointment, the doctor seemed confused by all the plaque on a few of my teeth. My question is, should I have confessed to my bad habits? Or just play stupid about why my teeth were so bad? Ha, funny thing is, I did just play stupid. I guess I don't want her to know that I let myself go after I had my daughter. Haha. So anyways, I suppose I should get back to brushing first thing in the morning, and before bed. Oh, I forgot to mention that when I went away to college, I gave up the nighttime brushing. So now that I think about it, I've really just been going downhill! Haha. Do you visit your dentist regularly? Do you even brush regularly? C'mon now, speak the truth :-P

Saturday, March 1, 2008

Light Green Living

So lately I've been trying to live my life a little "greener." Not that I'm excessively worried about the planet or anything. I'm actually doing it for some really selfish reasons:
  • We're really trying hard to pay off some of our debt we've accumulated, so any way we can save money, we go for it. Many "green living" ideas save money:
      • We use cheap washcloths and dish towels instead of napkins and paper towels. I just do a whole load of those towels in the washing machine, and then we're stocked up again. No need to continually restock a supply of napkins or paper towels. Plus, they just plain work better - no ripping, better scrub power, etc.
      • One word for you: VINEGAR! It's extremely cheap and can be used to about 9 zillion things around the house. Just a few of the things I've used it for recently are:
    • stainless steel cleaner - sparkly, and no streaks!
    • carpet cleaner - rust, unknown goop, toddler pee
    • shower/tub cleaner - spray down after every use to prevent buildup, instead of cleaning buildup
    • dishwasher drying agent *bonus: cleans dishwasher of buildup
    • fabric softener in washing machine rinse cycle * bonus: cleans washer of buildup
    (If you're worried about the smell, it really does go away once things dry!)

    • Another reason we're goin' green is that so many of the everyday products we use contain nasty, dangerous chemicals. I have an almost-two year old, and the last thing I want is for her to get into those cleaners when I'm looking the other direction. Vinegar is edible! No danger there! I also buy a Seventh Generation brand of dishwasher detergent. The grocery store I shop at carries a whole bunch of Seventh Generation products, although the last time I checked, they hadn't restocked the dishwasher detergent. I hope they do before I need to buy a new one!

    I must confess, I still love my Chlorox disinfecting wipes. It gives me more peace of mind when I'm cooking raw meat and my daughter is around. I guess I'm more "green when convenient" but we're working on it. What are some things you're doing to be "green," even if they're not for all the usual reasons?