A 2-year old or a 3-year old?

For the past few days, I've been asking Marissa how old she is. "Two" she says, and spends 15 minutes manipulating her two fingers to hold up and show me. But I don't believe her. Because all of a sudden, she asks "Why?" about everything, multiple times in a row!

"What you doin' Mommy?"
"I'm doin' dishes."
"Why, Mommy?"
"Because they're dirty."
"Why, Mommy?"
"Because we used them today."
"Why, Mommy?"
"Because we ate dinner."
"Why, Mommy?"
"Because we were hungry."
...and on and on it goes, til I give up!

When did my baby become such a big, curious, girl?!

Happy happy happy

August 2005 - pregnancy #1
April 29, 2006 - Marissa Lynn!!!
July 2007 - pregnancy #2
August 2007 - miscarriage (8 weeks)
September 2007 - pregnancy #3
December 2007 - miscarriage (8 weeks, but didn't find out til 10 weeks)
June 2008 - pregnancy #4
August 2008 - STILL PREGNANT!!! (at 15 weeks 1 day)

Today the doctor actually found the heartbeat on the doppler very quickly, so I got to hear it for the first time! (All the other times they couldn't find it, even last time at 12 weeks, so we only saw it on a quick ultrasound) I scheduled my next appointment for the 25th, and the BIG ultrasound for the 30th! It's so exciting to finally be this pregnant. I haven't made this much progress in a pregnancy since Marissa! My belly is definitely poofing out, which I love.

That's all, just wanted to share my excitement! Can't wait til Sept. 30th!!!

Random tidbits...

Yeah, it's been a while. Sorry folks. I think bullets will work nicely today:

• On Rach's last Saturday here, we went to the Cincinnati exhibit of Bodies. It was awesome, especially the babies in their developmental stages before birth - so cool! After Bodies, we went into the children's museum part (I forget what it was called) and Rissa had a blast! Marissa was so extremely well behaved the entire time. Not a single meltdown! She mostly played in the huge water table, then we explored the "jungle" and finished it up in the little kids' play area. She loved to dunk her head in the running water - she did that over and over and over and over. Lol.

• Oh, I keep forgetting to write this down. A few weeks ago, I think it was the weekend we moved her to a big girl bed, Marissa did the coolest thing. She has this weird thing she likes to do with all the utensils from her play kitchen. She collects a whole bunch out of the drawer, and takes them all over to the piano bench. Then lines them all up. Then one by one, she gently strokes her cheeks with each one. She calls it "neck" and we can't for the life of us figure out what she thinks she's doing. She's never seen Dan shave, and we certainly don't do anything else that resembles that. But anyways, a few weeks ago, as she was lining them up, she started counting them. And she counted exactly up to 8, and then looked at us expecting great excitement for something. It wasn't until I counted the utensils, that I realized that not only had she properly counted in the correct order, but she had actually counted the correct number of utensils! For some reason, I thought this "one-on-one correspondence" (that's the right term, right El. Ed. people?) was a Pre-K or even K concept. Because I remember learning how to teach it (in college for Elementary Ed). I was shocked that she understood the concept and did it properly! She just seemed so smart and old all of a sudden. It's amazing how fast she's growing up!

• So, since I'm finally starting to feel better, I'm starting to eat quite a bit more. Last Wednesday, on our date, Dan and I ate at a local Indian restaurant, and we both always get the same thing. We've been getting it since, oh, probably 2003? Our favorite restaurant closed, but we found two more in the area that are just amazing. Dan gets Lamb Choley, I get Chicken Vindaloo, and we both get Bhatura (bread - tastes like funnel cake without all the sugar, perfect for putting out the fire of those spicy dishes). We both LOOOOOVE our meals. What's the problem? you may ask...
  
  I HAVE THE BIGGEST CRAVING for that same dish and it WON'T GO AWAY. The other part of the problem? My meal is $13, Dan's is $15, plus bread, tip, etc. Not exactly a meal we can get often. But I CAN'T GET IT OFF MY MIND! I'm going crazy, and everything I see reminds me of it. Today at work, they had leftover Indian food that smelled similiar. A show I watched today was about different cultural aspects of India. And that's ALL I WANT TO EAT right now! I want to eat my Chicken Vindaloo, that's so spicy it makes my nose run. I want to stuff my face with Bhatura, and go back and forth between too spicy chicken and warm bread, then spicy chicken, then bread, then more and more til I'm about to puke.This just might be the worst/best/strongest craving I've ever had. Do you think I can blame it on being pregnant, and Dan will give in and we can go again? Then again? And again? Lol. I think I'd like to go once a week at the least. Maybe every other day, k? I've been looking up recipes for my meal, but it has some weird spices in it that I'm not so sure we can find. Anyone else crave something too expensive/rare that wasn't an easy fix? I finally got to order take-out because I worked some late days last week and it was heavenly!!!
  

• We also moved Marissa to her actual "big girl bed" instead of just her crib mattress on the floor. It's a daybed with a trundle, so we pulled the trundle out a few feet so she can climb up on her own, and in case she falls. She calls it her "new big girl bed" and loves it! I bought some new sheets the other day (once I realized I only had one set of sheets - purple flowers - that weren't flannel) and they're green and tonight she was so excited to sleep in her "beeeeeen" sheets. Lol.
  

• She's starting to really catch on to learning all the colors, especially green obviously. Although she guesses yellow a lot. Lol.
  

• This past weekend, Dan went camping with some of his buddies, so I invited a couple of my friends over to spend the night. I let one of them sleep in Marissa's room, since Marissa has always been so perfectly adaptable when it comes to bedtime/sleeping arrangements. Well, not so much this time! I was just going to put her on her crib mattress on my floor, but she said "no sleep on the floor mommy!" at midnight when I moved her from her own bed. So I offered to let her sleep in "daddy's spot" on our bed. Well, to make a long story short, she ended up being wide awake for 2+ hours, moving between "daddy's spot", next to mommy, and her bed on the floor. I dozed through most of this, since our room is a safe zone, and only found out where she spent most of the night when she woke me up at 8:15am and was laying in "daddy's spot". She thought it was soooo cool that she slept in "daddy's spot" and I actually kinda thought it was cute and fun. But I was soooooo tired, and I have no idea how she's been fine since. She never made up for those 2 hours of missed sleep in the middle of the night!

Well, I guess that's all. I'll be 15 weeks on Tuesday, and I have another appointment on Wednesday. Still feeling good, but still nervous about one more appointment. After 15 weeks, I PROMISE I will start to accept this pregnancy with no reservations!

Wow, grocery shopping kicks my butt!

I went to buy some groceries this afternoon since we ran out of food around here. And I hadn't felt that exhausted/weird since last week when I got groceries! Last week, I was dizzy, had a pounding headache, lost my list halfway through, and couldn't even get everything we needed because I didn't think my legs could hold me up. This week, I finished fine, got everything on the list, put everything in the car, brought everything inside, then crashed. Rach had to put all the cold stuff away because I just couldn't make it anymore! Crazy!

Today I had another doctor's appointment. Not a regularly scheduled one, but a "Fetal Heart Tones" appointment for my sanity. After waiting an hour in the waiting room (Rach and Marissa came straight from Rach's last day at my job to hear the heartbeat too), we finally went into a regular room (I've only been in the ultrasound room so far!). Some student person got a doppler and attempted to hear the heartbeat. She tried and tried and tried. And I tried and tried and tried NOT to freak out. So then she went to get a different doppler that is shaped differently and sometimes works better. She tried and tried and tried some more. Still nothing. Still trying not to freak out. So she went to get the midwife, and moved me back to "my" ultrasound room. The midwife took one look and we saw the heart beating. Then, as we watched, the little blob bounced and bobbled and did somersaults over and over in circles! It didn't stop the entire time! It was soooo hyper and fun to watch! So either that's why they couldn't hear the heartbeat on the doppler, or they also said my uterus could be tilted funny. I don't care if I never hear the heartbeat, as long as it's there and I can see it! But it was sooo neat to see the little hyper baby in there!

Tonight Dan and I went on our last "free babysitter" date since Rach is leaving on Friday. We went to our favorite Indian restaurant since no one else likes it, and Marissa won't eat anything there - so it's only a "date night" place. Then we went to Old Navy since I had a gift card. And then we came home and ate a bunch of strawberries - YUM!

And tomorrow I start work again. Hopefully I can hang in there. Very exhausted these days. I threw up again on Monday after taking all my prenatal vitamins. My gag reflex is still in overdrive these days (That ever happen to anyone else? Brushing my teeth, taking pills, or seeing something gross literally makes me puke - before or after eating - it doesn't make a difference!). That's getting annoying. But overall I feel better and I'm finally eating three normal meals most days (besides snacks) and putting some weight back on. 12 weeks, 1 day! YIPEEEEEEEEE!

The Big Girl Bed Story and other random topics

The Big Girl Bed Story

So last Friday we took Marissa's crib out of her room. Not sure why we picked then, it just seemed like it was time. And she had been getting her foot pretty high up about to climb out her crib, and I wanted to get her out of there before that happened! So after reading many stories of the "big kid bed" switch, I had decided that I just wanted to start her on her crib mattress, just on the floor instead. So we took the crib out (and stuffed it into our bedroom, still assembled, because we will put it in the guest room once my sis moves out next week), moved the changing table into our huge hallway (she climbs up it on her own - scary - and it fits in a square corner part of the hallway perfectly), and moved the rocker/glider into our bedroom (yeah, it's packed in our room right now!). Her bedroom is actually quite large, but since my sister's twin bed is in there, along with the mattresses for Marissa's future twin bed, it was so tight in there. But now she has tons of floor space, and can actually play in there. Anyways, I took everything she uses out of her crib, and put it all back together the same way, just on the floor. She sleeps with a baby, a blanket (actually it's a washcloth now, since it's way too hot for an actual blanket but she insisted she needed one), and a cup of water. So for 2-3 days before this, we talked about her getting to sleep in a "big girl bed, just like mommy and daddy, and Ra-ra" (my sis). By the time we got everything set up properly in and out of her room, and I vacuumed and cleaned it up quite a bit, it was 9pm, an hour past her bedtime. Great start, huh? Lol. So we got her all ready for bed, and she walked over to her bed, and laid down with her head on the pillow, asked for her blanket on her back, and that was that! We closed all the upstairs rooms (child-proof doorknobs) and closed the gate at the top of the stairs. And then we listened on the monitor. And she babbled for a bit, and went straight to sleep!


Every night since, we have peeked in on her before we go to bed, and a few times have found her asleep on the floor across the room. Lol. But she has not given us one ounce of trouble about sleeping on her bed!

One of the shocking things about this whole story is how she got on her bed. For months now, ever since she decided she required a pillow in her crib, she has slept with her head on the opposite side of the crib from the pillow. But she won't let me take it out. She puts her feet right near the edge of it, and that's how she sleeps. But all of a sudden, when put in a "big girl bed" situation, she realized she was supposed to put her head on the pillow! We never talked about it or anything, but she just realized that's what big people do!

The other, most shocking thing, is that she stays in her bed til someone comes to get her. We expected the worst those first Saturday and Sunday mornings. But she actually slept late (8:30 and 9) and once she started talking to herself, she waited for someone to get her "out"! Then yesterday, she was kinda upset in the morning so she stayed home with me (more on that later). I put her down for her regular naptime in the afternoon while I watched a movie. Towards the end of it, I heard her talking a little, but she was still mostly quiet so I thought I'd wait a little while. Well, a while later, she was still only making tiny noises every once in a while, so I decided it was time for me to take a shower (yes, I'm lazy when I stay home). So I secured the upstairs in case she decided to explore, and took my shower. By the time I got out of the shower, it was an hour past the first time I heard her talking. Once I got dressed, I went into her room and she was STILL talking quietly on her bed. But the second she saw me, she bounced up and ran to greet me with a huge happy hug!

She rolls off her mattress sometimes, or her legs dangle off the edge, but it doesn't wake her up at all. I can't believe how easy this transition was. I don't expect it to stay this easy forever, but I guess we may be surprised. She has always been an awesome sleeper (well, since about 16, 17, or 18 months - I think - when I laid down the law!) and I was worried this would mess that up. But she still goes to bed happy at 8pm, stays in bed, doesn't cry, doesn't ever wake up in the night, and sleeps til at least 7:30 most days.

Once my sister moves out of our guest room (she's going back to college in VA), we will figure out what we're going to do with all the beds and mattresses we have around here. Then we will give Marissa a regular twin bed in her room. But after this "huge" transition, I'm not too worried about another!

Me, Rissa, Rach, and work

In other news...I'm SO VERY HAPPY to report that I'm finally starting to feel better! This has been the LONGEST month of my life. I think I said before, but I felt so awful and nauseas on vacation with my family, that when we came back, I knew I couldn't keep working my nanny job while I felt so miserable. Fortunately, my sister was planning on quitting her job soon to move to VA for school, so she just quite a little sooner, and took over my job! She even took Marissa, mainly because Marissa and the boy, H, were such good buddies and H's mom didn't want him to lose his friend. It was the hardest thing to watch Rissa go off everyday without me. I'd never done that before, but I'm glad it happened because I needed it. I also put myself on bedrest/couch rest just to be safe because I have been so nervous about everything. So I literally laid on the couch for a month. Dan and Rach were sooo extremely helpful. I didn't do any dishes, make any meals, change any diapers, clean anything, or do any laundry. I felt so awful, and even threw up a few times. It was so great to have all that help, but at the same time it was SO FRUSTRATING because I like things done a certain way and that wasn't happening. Lol. I was not a nice person to live with, I'll admit it. But this week I'm feeling better, and have started doing all those fun things again. Lol.

So between me sitting around all the time doing nothing, and my sister taking Marissa with her every day of the week, most of the time all day, Marissa has had some moments. Poor girl. She has done extraordinarily well with all this upheaval, but we could tell it was wearing on her. One day last week, we decided she would stay home with me, and it made a huge difference in her behavior the next few days. Then yesterday, I woke up hearing a huge meltdown before they left for work. Rach brought Rissa into my room, and she was crying so hard we could barely understand what she was saying. We finally were able to make out two sentences: "I want to stay home with mommy. I want to eat lunch at Frissa's house." (I just love how she says her own name - makes me smile every time!) Poor girl! It made me so sad, so of course she stayed home with mommy. Other than that, she has loved still getting to see H (2 yrs) and M (1 yr) with Aunt Ra-ra.

I was so glad this all worked out. Rach will be working a few more days next week, and then I'll go back to my normal hours there (9am-1pm) with Marissa. I still don't have much of an appetite, but I don't feel like I'm on the edge of my seat ready to run to the bathroom every 5 seconds. I lost 8-9lbs this month. But I know the way I eat (when I feel good) that I won't have a problem putting on the proper pregnancy weight!

Family Vacation July 2008

This seems like old news, but I want to at least have it recorded on here. The last week of June through the 4th of July, we went to Salt Fork State Park and met my parents and brother there (Rach came at the end because she couldn't get the whole week off work). We stayed in a cabin on the lake all week. It really was fun, but would have been much more enjoyable if I had felt like a human being. My parents brought their kayak, there was a hot tub in the cabin, and a huge pool at the lodge. It was a really neat place. Marissa loved riding in the kayak with her life jacket on (I forget already how she said life jacket, but it was cute). She wasn't a huge fan of the pool, unless Daddy and Grandpa were throwing her back and forth high up in the air and terrifying Mommy. But she loved spending time with "Mum" (grandma), "Poppa" (grandpa), and Jeff (which she finally says right instead of "Jep"). On top of "ALL DAY sickness" I managed to burn my legs, thighs, neck, and chest horrifically bad on one of the first days, so that made me feel even better In fact, my legs have been peeling from that sunburn all month til last week! We saw some cool fireworks at a nearby small town, and Marissa fell in love with them! For the longest time after vacation was over, she kept asking for more fireworks! The only part she didn't like was the finale - she covered her ears and buried her face in my shirt. She really did so well the whole vacation. She napped great, and went to bed great. Since there wasn't a full extra room for her sleep in (and none of us sleep well when we're in the same room - remember Christmas in Georgia and Dan driving around all night to keep her sleeping? UGH!), we put her to bed in our room in the pack-n-play. Then when we went to bed, I picked her up, Dan moved the pack-n-play into the living room, and she went right back to sleep! It rained a few days there, but we still had some really nice days.

Guess that's all finally. I should be able to post more often now that I feel better. 11 weeks, 3 days. Starting to see some hope!

Win cloth diapers!

Go here to enter: http://babycheapskate.blogspot.com/2008/07/giveaway-12-bumgenius-30-diapers.html

I'm trying to win since it would be a great way to save money in the future. 10 weeks today. So far no reason to worry, but I'm still not believing we'll be ok...

Stuff

Been busy:

• vacation with my parents and bro
• MISERABLE AWFUL MORNING ALL DAY SICKNESS. Due Feb. 17. Saw the heartbeat a few times, still nervous since my miscarriages.
• my sis is taking over my job for a month or so until I start to feel better
• put myself on bedrest for my peace of mind

Guess that's all. Rissa is hilarious and wonderful. More later :-)

3s

Yesterday, June 4, was our 3rd wedding anniversary. After dating for 3 years, we were married in my home church in NY, and had a beautiful reception in some gorgeous gardens.

Love ya, hun!

We're baaaaack!

Sorry it's been so long. We went to NY for the long weekend to visit my parents and grandparents, and I've just been too busy to catch up on here! I'm sure you don't want the entire weekend play-by-play, so I'll write today's "ketchup" in bullet style:

• We left Thursday around 3. I didn't put Rissa down for a nap, hoping she'd just take a long one in the car. Well, she didn't fall asleep until almost 5, and then only slept for 20 minutes! She woke up VERY grumpy (wonder why!) so we broke out our latest "secret weapon" - Dan's video iPod, The Backyardigans, and this! It was an instant hit (no surprise) and immediately changed her mood to ecstatic! She watched for a little while, and then we it put away and she was happy and talkative until she fell asleep around 9. We were pleasantly surprised with how well she did in the car, since we haven't travelled anywhere since the big Christmas disaster. She did so well entertaining herself with her cup (pretending it was a baby, kissing it, etc. - lol) and a few toys, and when she was tired of them, she was entertaining to us! We just had a good time talking about the funniest things: supposedly she was wearing Timmy's socks, and Timmy (friend of Dan's, well, I guess my friend too, lol) was wearing her socks - where does she get this stuff??? About 2 miles down the road when we left at 3, she started saying "All doh (all done) Frissa's car, nuh-uh!!! Muuuum, where are yooooouuuuuuu?" I was very worried that we were in for a miserable trip, but obviously she reconsidered spending a little more time in "Frissa's car"!
• Friday was a relaxing day, and we spent some time outside with my mom, aka Gramma = "Mum."
• Saturday we got up and went to a drop-in shower for a family adopting their first baby. She was adorable, and Marissa ended up wandering around with a bunch of little (and big) girls, all holding hands. It was so adorable! One of the girls was also named Marissa - she was in the Kindergarten class that I spent a week with waaaaaay back in my freshman year at college. She was by far the cutest girl in that class, and I just fell in love with her. You know, the favorite you're never supposed to have? Haha, anyways, she goes to my old church now too, and is still beautiful. She was the inspiration for naming our daughter Marissa, and she thought that was very cool. She hung around Marissa a lot, and I can tell if we lived there, she'd be an awesome babysitter in a few years!
• My dad mowed the lawn Saturday afternoon, and took Marissa out on the tractor for a little while. She thought it was the coolest thing ever. It was so cute to watch her laugh and giggle as they sped around the yard. Expect pictures!
• Sunday we went to church with my family, and then headed to a local park for an afternoon picnic. It was a BEAUTIFUL day, and we had a blast. I finally got some sun, so I'm not totally pale anymore. And Marissa totally wore herself out! We knew it was risky, but we decided to skip her nap, since it would be right in the middle of things and there wasn't a good place for her to nap at the park. She never even noticed! She ran around like a maniac the entire afternoon and didn't bother to eat much at all. Lol. Wherever we were, she had to run in the opposite direction as fast as she could! She finally crashed on the 8 minute drive home, and slept for an hour in her Gramma's lap!
• Over the weekend, she learned zillions of new words and phrases. But there are two that just crack me up. Dan randomly asked her to say "Mississippi" and she repeated it perfectly, only a bit twisted: Missippissi (Miss-i-pee-see). We also got to look at many caterpillars at my parents' house. After telling her they were caterpillars, she very carefully repeated "catter-boo-foo" and continued to say it exactly that same way every time!
• Monday we left around 11:30am. Again, this was risky for us, but based on the drive there, we thought Marissa would be fine. And we were right! She took a nice normal almost-2-hour nap in the middle of it, but the rest of the time she just played and talked with us. She watched a little of The Backyardigans, but overall, the drive was very successful. Surprise, surprise, our little girl is growing up!
• Tuesday I worked my second real day at the massage clinic. Blah...More on this later.
• Today a bunch of guys came from the company we built our house through, and did touch-up on all the drywall issues we had at the 10-month check-up. Which means...

IT'S TIME TO PAINT!!!!!

We went to Lowes tonight and bought some paint samples, and the plan is to go back and get the full amount once I decide, and PAINT SATURDAY! I'm soooooooooooooo excited to get rid of these BORING off-white walls! I'm starting in the living room/dining room/kitchen. It's one ginormous room, with no place to change paint colors. So I hope it won't be too overwhelming. But since BEFORE we moved in, I've been picturing it a beautiful light/bright green color. Dan is tolerating it, but I can tell he doesn't care one bit! Lol. After painting, a nice new couch is all we will need to complete our downstairs (at least for now)! There's obviously a bunch of other stuff I want to do/buy, but I won't mind waiting once the painting is done and a couch is in! WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOOO!!! Definitely look for pictures of this on Sunday!

• HAHA, I almost forgot the best story from our weekend away:
  Sunday morning, everyone was waking up and getting ready at different times. Soon after I woke up, I found Marissa playing upstairs with someone, and decided to take her downstairs to get her dressed. Well, my parents live in kind of a split level. You walk in to the main floor, but there is about 3/4 of a stairway that goes up to the bedrooms, and 3/4 of a stairway that goes down to the family room (there's also a basement 3/4 of a stairway below that). Also, all the floors are hardwood floors, including the stairs. So anyways, we were all the way upstairs by the bedrooms. I took Marissa by the hand, and slowly started to lead her down the stairs. Instead of keeping her safe...instead of her slipping on her socks like we all were terrified of all weekend...I SLIPPED ON THE TOP STEP and bounced my way all the way to the bottom! Thankfully, Marissa somehow let go of my hand, and simply sat on the very top step and watched her mommy bounce all the way down the stairs! By the time I reached the bottom, everyone had come running (well, except for Dan who somehow slept through the entire thing!). Also, by the time I reached the bottom, I was laughing hysterically! Poor Marissa didn't know what to think! My mom picked her up right away, and then she wanted to come to me. But she didn't actually cry, which was surprising. So yeah, I'm pretty sore and have some awesome bruises. But the funniest part about the whole thing, is that for the next few days - in fact even today still - she said over and over "Mama fell over? Fall down stairs? Mama hurt? More fall stairs?" LOL. Poor girl, traumatized for life!
  

• And lastly, a quick story from (nanny) work:
  They have a circle to run around (you know, kitchen, dining room, living room), and Marissa and H. will run around forEVER! And after every loop, Marissa says "more running?" and they just run and run and run, and giggle the whole time! Marissa somehow convinced her Grandpa to run the loop at my parents' house, but that didn't last nearly as long! I'm so glad this nanny job is such a good fit for us. I don't always have the most patience, and I don't always enjoy it. But Marissa loves every second of it, and I'm even starting to have fun!

Oddities

So Marissa has always been the best sleeper, and has gone to sleep so easily and quickly for nap and bedtime. But suddenly, Friday (the day after I started working my new evening job!!!), she started this new thing. For nap (if Dan and Rach are both here) and bedtime. We go around and everyone gets a night-night hug/kiss, and then one of us (so far it doesn't matter who) takes her upstairs and gets her ready for bed and puts her in her crib. But instead of laying down with her blanket on her and quietly babbling til she falls asleep, she now hysterically screams to "bye Dada, bye Ra-ra" like she didn't get to say good-night to them. She seriously cries so hard because she wants to say bye to them again (or whoever doesn't put her to bed). The first time she did it, Rach was putting her to bed, so Rach just came downstairs and let her say good-night to us again. And yesterday, Dan and I were getting ready to leave to go to my work meeting and then out to dinner and a movie (for Mother's Day since he was out of town last weekend). She could tell we were getting ready to leave cuz we were both all dressed up and had our shoes on already. And Rach was just starting to do her hair since we are all lazy on Saturdays. So I think Marissa thought everyone was leaving her while she napped. But I assured her we weren't leaving her alone, and eventually just decided to let her stay up til we left, and then Rach would just put her to bed after we were gone. Then today she did the same thing for nap and bedtime, crying SO HARD to get what she wanted. So now I think she has just figured out a way to postpone going to bed! Isn't that bizarre? The first few times she did it, I gave in and comforted her and reassured her over and over. But today, I just told her she already said good-night to them, and then started to leave her room. When she realized I was leaving even though she was crying, she suddenly insisted she needed her blanket on, so she finally laid down and calmed down a little. She still whined quite a bit before she fell asleep, but at least she knew I wasn't going to take any more manipulation. Can you believe what she is up to? WOW!

I just really hope this whole nap/bedtime thing is not because of me starting my evening job. If it continues, I will be quitting immediately! I only work one day this week, then two days next week (because of appointments and stuff), but the following week my schedule will be kinda crazy. If Marissa starts becoming upset too easily, or thinking that everyone is leaving her - I will quit with now qualms whatsoever. More money is not worth her misery

This afternoon, after her nap, we went to the mall and were walking through JC Penney's I think. We were walking past the men's section, and suddenly she loudly exclaims "Oh no!" and walked off the walkway. The flooring was hardwood off the walkway and in each end of every individual plank was a big dark brown circle, supposed to look like a nail or something I guess. But she thought something fell all over the floor! She kept trying to pick up each dot but she obviously couldn't. It was funny!

She's still so funny lately, but she's definitely starting to form some stronger opinions. I just mentioned to Dan and Rach the other day that I was suprised that Marissa wasn't acting out and throwing too many tantrums, but I guess I spoke too soon! Haha, we had a few interesting experiences at the mall today, including one SUPER loud screaming session in a tiny store. Here comes the fun of "terrific" twos!

Counting

Marissa can now count to 20, and hearing her say all the "teens" makes me smile every time. I think I need to get it on video.
"one, two, pee, foh, pive, sic, seven, ay, nine, ten, leven, elve, tir-teen, fur-teen, fi-teen, uh-teen, uh-teen, uh-teen, ni-teen..." actually I don't think she even says 20. Lol.

I got another part-time job! I will be working a few nights a week, and probably every other Saturday at a massage place nearby. I'll be their evening receptionist, doing some filing, and checking people in and out of their appointments. It's dimly lit, and they play "massage music" and it's going to be so relaxing to work there! I started with some training on Thursday, we have a scheduling meeting on Saturday, and then I start next week! I'm excited, but really nervous. I haven't had a "real" job in 2 years when I quit a job at the daycare cuz I was punched in the face by a 4 year old and was pregnant, sick, and moody. Lol. All the jobs I've had since did not include an application, contract, tax forms, or anything else. I'm not really worried about the actual job, just worried about being gone in the evenings. Away from Marissa, and losing that time to do things around the house (ha, I mean losing that time to watch my evening shows and relax). I'm still working every day 9-1 at my nanny job, but I'll still have my afternoons while Marissa sleeps, and then Marissa time before Dan gets home to let me leave around 4:30. I think my hours end at 9, so I'll still have some time when I get home too. Overall, not too bad, and it'll be nice to get some extra spending money. When I was training, I was worried that Marissa would freak out, since I'm hardly ever gone from her. But I guess she only asked about me a few times! It was busy enough that I didn't have time to wallow, but when I got home and Dan and Rach were telling me about their evening, I was sad that I missed it. I'm such a wimp! I guess my big girl is bigger than I realized!

Guess that's all. I'm trying to remember to post here more often, instead of on my other blog. I guess you could go there if you want www.xanga.com/rccalyn. But it's mostly protected so only people on my list can read recent posts. Time to go figure out what's for dinner tonight! Yay, it's FRIDAY!

Some things I want to remember:

• Marissa knows so many words, and comes up with new ones every day. Yesterday morning, when it was just the two of us up nice and early, she asked me to hold "this part" of something so she could hold the rest. But what is even cuter than actually knowing all the names of things, is when she points to something, says "this?" and clearly needs to know the name of it!
• At work, we watch Blue's Clues every morning during M's bottle. It occupies H so he doesn't beat up Rissa when I can't defend her as easily, and gives them a little something to look forward each morning. Marissa doesn't really pay attention very well - she prefers The Backyardigans, The Wonder Pets, Ni hao Kai lan, or Dora. So she just plays around the living room while H sits in his "thinking chair." So imagine my surprise when suddenly, Thursday afternoon, after her nap, she found a piece of cardboard, and immediately started singing "We just got a letter" and shaking the "letter" back and forth in front of her, exactly like the guy does on Blue's Clues. She was grinning, and when I realized what she was imitating, I started laughing, and she thought she was just so funny!
• Yesterday morning she was standing next to me and started coughing a little. After two coughs that weren't helping, she turned around, showing her back to me, and managed to grunt out "pat me" before she started coughing again. I patted her back, and she stopped coughing. LOL.
• I always wear a hooded zip-up sweatshirt at work. I'm always cold, even in my own home, so I'm even colder in someone else's house where I don't control the heat. Apparently I put my hands in the pockets often, because now every time Marissa wears a hooded zip-up sweatshirt, she puts her hands in the pocket and walks around like she's so cool, giving me a little smirk cuz she knows she's imitating her Mama.
• She can now count to 20 all on her own, give or take a few numbers here and there. She especially loves to count all the M & M's in my The M & M's Counting Book I bought in college.
• We're working on the ABC's, especially at work with H too. Both of them can fill in a missing letter most of the time, especially if it's at the end of a phrase.
• When Dan and I had the 2s & 3s class at church last week, I randomly asked a girl how to spell her name, not really expecting an answer. She surprised me by singing the cutest little song, with the spelling of her name being the first part, and the last phrase was "spells (insert name) every day." It just rhymed so well and was so cute that I had to come up with a "Marissa song" too. So now every night, before we sing Twinkle, Twinkle, we sing the "Marissa song" - M-A-R-I-S-S-A, spells Marissa every day (to the tune of Twinkle, Twinkle, or some other random tune that helps her fill in a letter). She now requests it, and can sing most of it with us.
• She got a Bible story book from my parents for her birthday, and we've been reading a story in it every night before bed. She now requests "Gog" = God, since we started at the beginning obviously, and learned about how God made everything.
• Yesterday morning, she picked the crumbs off her chair (underneath her booster seat for meals), and one by one, brought them over to me to show me. And when I told her they were trash, she took them one by one to the trash can.
• After she cleaned all the crumbs off, she put her baby in her seat, put a bib on baby, and proceeded to feed baby a bottle. She has only learned about bottles recently, since I nursed her forever and she never took a bottle. She's been watching me feed M a bottle at work, and in the 2s class at church, all the older girls were fighting over the only bottle in the room. So the other day, when we walked into Walmart, out of the blue, she started saying "baby bottle, please?" over and over again! How could I refuse? So I bought her two baby bottles.
• She is really into pretending with her baby, and her doll house. Her doll house is on her new table, sitting in the middle of her bedroom. She didn't used to have many toys up there, and the ones that were up there, she got sick of fast. So this new location for her doll house (that she got for Christmas) has really made her play with it more. Every morning, it's the first thing she sees, and the first thing she requests to play with. So after I change her diaper, while I'm washing my hands and throwing the diaper away in the bathroom, she plays with her doll house. Her soft voice babbling away is so cute to listen to. She talks about the mama, dada, and baby, and places them around the house. Usually the mama and dada are in the doorway. Lol.
  
• Since we watch Blue's Clues, H always has a zillion "notebooks" around his house, all with a crayon in the top. Marissa started obsessing over them as well, so for her birthday I got her a few from the dollar store. I put a crayon in each of them, and now she carries them around. She draws in them a little, but mostly asks other people to "draw Frissa."
• Haha, speaking of "Frissa" - that's how she still says her name. And when she's using it possesively, like "Marissa's car" she says it "Frissy's car." I will be sad when she learns to say her name properly. Frissy is just too cute!
• She mostly feeds herself now, even with a fork and spoon. But once in a while a food is just too messy for me to let her. But if someone is feeding her, she can only have a certain amount of food in her mouth at a time. If she thinks she's not ready for the next bite, she will say "wait" and finish chewing. Then, when she's ready, she'll say "ready!"
• If she's trying to do something, and someone is in her way, she says "mush" = move. Kinda reminds me of a dog sled in the snow.
  

Well, Dan's coming back from his brother's college graduation this afternoon, and we're going out to celebrate Mother's Day tonight. I think we're going to the Indian restaurant for our meal, then running over to Bravo for our favorite amazing dessert. Can't wait!

*Clarification on my previous post: I have left Marissa for a few hours or an evening. But not much longer than 2-3 hours, and not very often. Since my sister lives with us, she's a built-in babysitter, so we take advantage of that often, just not for long periods of time.

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On a serious note, this Mother's Day seems weird to me. My first Mother's Day, Marissa was only about 2 weeks old. Second, she had just turned 1. Now I am the mother of a 2 year old. But not ONLY a 2 year old. There are 2 babies in heaven that had the potential to be a part of our family. I could have been a mother of 2 children by now. Or expecting another child in July. But I'm neither of those. And I think I'll always remember March and July, and remember the possibilities. But for now, I am thoroughly enjoying loving my one and only daughter. She is such a joy, and I am blessed to be her mama. If we were in the throes of a newborn stage right now, or if I was hugely pregnant, I don't think I would be able to enjoy Marissa quite as much as I have been lately. So I'm taking comfort in that, and using it to convince myself that it really was the best path for my life to take. Even if it didn't seem like it at the time, and still doesn't sometimes. God knew what He was doing. But God? If you get this memo...My greatest fear is losing a (future) 3rd...

This week was nice. For the first time, I actually enjoyed working. H and Marissa have been getting along so well lately, and they just get cuter and cuter together every day. They offer each other toys, they take turns so well, they kiss each other's boo-boos, they help each other put shoes on, they help each other stand up after they've been playing "night-night", they roll cars back and forth and back and forth - they really are good buddies. H is still a little rough with her, but he's SO much better than he started out. And now Marissa can take it too. The baby (who I might sometimes call "M" - but that might get confusing since Marissa is an "M" too) is turning into such a happy girl, and is almost on the move. Boy, things will sure change when she starts crawling! She's finally taking good naps for me, so the "big kids" aren't always annoyed by our playing limitations when she's awake. But when she's awake, she's just a smiley, giggly girl!

This afternoon, Rissa and I left work and drove straight to the Newport Aquarium to meet Laureann (college roommate), her hubby, and their son "Baby Carter". Marissa had been talking about going to see the "pish and Baby Carter" allllllllllllllll week. For the first 15 minutes or so, she didn't even notice the fish, she was too excited to see Carter, see his stroller, kiss him, walk to him, etc. Lol. It was so cute to watch her, and he grinned the cutest grin at her every time. She LOVED the fish too, and every time we walked around a corner to see more fish, she would scream "MORE PISH!!!!!" and all the veins in her neck would pop out because she was so excited! She made her fishy face a lot too. I took my camera, but it was basically impossible to take any pictures of her, since I was her only adult - and we went STROLLER-FREE! But I think Laureann got a few good ones, so hopefully she'll be able to send them to me soon (HINT, HINT). I debated long and hard about the stroller. For some reason, she gets so excited to ride in a stroller these days. But I thought it would be difficult for her to see the fish in it, and I didn't think she'd last the whole way in it, and then I'd be left pushing it AND trying to hold her hand. So I took the risk - and she was INCREDIBLE! She held my hand the whole time! I ended up picking her up for every exhibit window because they all started just above her head. But the signs (telling what the fish were called) were the perfect height for her to stand on, so she could see perfectly. I definitely got my workout though, by picking her up and putting her down, over and over and over and over again! But it was so much fun! She even held a tiny cup for a bird to drink out of! And then we got peed on! Lol. We all went out to dinner after, and Marissa didn't eat much, and was "all doh (done) me" before we even got our food. But she was still VERY well behaved considering the circumstances. I'm so proud of my big girl!

Well, I will probably go to bed early. I'm wiped! And since Dan is gone, I have to wake up early with Marissa all weekend, instead of taking turns sleeping in.

*EDIT* I almost forgot to mention: I filled out an application and had an interview for a part-time evening receptionist at a massage therapy center in the area. Rach knew someone at work who said they were looking, so it all happened really fast. It was the most relaxing, soothing environment I can ever imagine working in. I'll know Tuesday if I get the job or not. It would only be a few nights a week, and alternating Saturdays. But it would be nice to have some extra spending money. And it would be awesome to have some quiet time doing something different in the evenings. I'm still not sure how I'll feel about leaving Marissa for a few evenings, but I know she'll be fine with Daddy. I'm almost embarrassed to admit that the longest - and only - time I've been away from her for more than grocery shopping was when I went to a Josh Groban concert when she was 10 months old, and I was gone for 12 hours, most of which she was sleeping. I've just always taken her everywhere with me, but I guess sooner or later she'll need her space anyway! And I guess I need mine too.

2

I know, I know...it's been a while. But I've been busy. Marissa turned 2 this week! And last weekend my parents and Dan's parents were all here for a big party weekend. Lol. It was so much fun. Marissa got a bunch of awesome stuff for her birthday. I can't wait for the weather to be nice all the time, so she can ride her new tricycle up and down the sidewalk! We're also hoping to buy a swingset for our backyard, but man, they are expensive!

I can't believe my baby is 2! She's definitely not my baby anymore!

Stats from 2-year well check up on her actual birthday:
23 lbs (10th percentile)
33 3/4 inches (Dr. said "average")

He was pretty pleased with her weight gain, and I was surprised that her height was average. She just seems smaller than most 2 year olds that I've known. Everything checked out just fine. She had a finger prick check, and got a Dora band-aid. She didn't even whimper, because she saw the Dora band-aid. She was so obsessed with it, that by the time we got home, she had pulled it off!

Our weekend extravanganza was wonderful. It only took Marissa about 5 minutes to remember both sets of grandparents, and she even came up with different names for them, and figured out who goes with who! Granny = benny, Pop-pop, Grandma = Mum, Grandpa = Pop-pop. She calls both Grandpas Pop-pop, but knows which goes with Granny and Mum. That's confusing, lol, but she had it all figured out. She was so cute when she kept asking for certain grandparents if they left the room, and had to make sure she knew where everyone was at all times!

I made a zillion chocolate cupcakes Saturday morning, and Marissa was sooooo excited to eat some "TACO!" Chocolate and chapstick both sound like "taco" and I think she even knows what a real taco is. But she knew EXACTLY what chocolate was, and knew she wanted some! That's my girl!

My parents slept in the double bed in Rach's room, Rach slept in the twin bed in Marissa's room (with Marissa) and Dan's parents slept on the double futon in the finished basement bedroom. It was awesome that we could fit everybody, but when Marissa shares a room she doesn't sleep as well, or as late in the morning. Friday night around 1am she woke up crying pretty hard and coughing. Saturday she was a little off in the morning, and after her nap she was even more upset and miserable. It's either allergies or some weird cold that no one else has. Her nose is all nasty, and she has a weird little cough. We did the main party/presents Saturday after her nap, so she wasn't as excited as I expected her to be since she didn't feel very well. But she still enjoyed all the gifts, and had fun playing with them as she opened them. She was mostly in a good mood, and really did very well considering there were so many people around and she wasn't feeling well.

After reading some other blogs of parents with almost-2 year olds, and hearing what the grandparents had to say all weekend, I realized I am extremely lucky with her usual sleeping habits! This weekend was probably the first time she has been awake in the middle of the night since we really set down the rules for bedtime (I think it was in October?). She never cries to go to sleep. She never wakes up in the night. She sleeps from 8pm-7:30am every day, and naps for a hour and 20 minutes every day (at least, sometimes a little longer). She sometimes babbles in her crib before falling asleep, but never gets upset. She's just wonderful!

Sunday we went to church and out to lunch with Dan's parents (my parents left early that morning), so we didn't get back til way past Marissa's naptime. Once Dan's parents left, Marissa slept for a normal naptime. So did I. Haha. But when she woke up, she was so sad. I brought her downstairs, and she just cuddled with me for at least 20 minutes! We just sat on the couch and she hugged me, arms wrapped around my neck, head on my shoulder. It was wonderful. She hasn't cuddled that long since before she could walk! It was so sweet, and just what this mommy needed. I can't believe she isn't my little baby anymore!

Some of Marissa's new phrases are so funny. When she falls, or even pretends to fall, she always says "I fell me!" Also, we make a big point of taking turns at work, so now she's worried about taking turns all the time. Whenever she thinks it's her turn, she says "Frissa's turn!" That's how she says her name lately, and it just makes me laugh every time. She also says "Frissa's" whenever it's something that's hers, or she thinks it's hers. Frissa's car, Frissa's bed, Frissa's purple shoes, etc. It's so fun to watch her figure things out!

In other non-interesting news, my left bottom wisdom tooth decided that now would be a perfect time to grow in. I've been told many times that I need to have them all removed, but haven't got around to it. Plus, for some reason our dental insurance doesn't cover very much. My top wisdom teeth are in, and have been for a while. They don't hurt, but they're really hard to brush since they're so far back. But now that my bottom one is coming in, my inside cheek is all swollen, and I can't even bite all the way down. I've been biting my cheek for almost 2 weeks now, and it's KILLING ME! I feel like such a baby, but then, babies are miserable when they're teething, so then I don't feel so bad about complaining. Lol.

I guess that about covers everything. Sorry for the delay! This afternoon Marissa and I are going to visit with one of my high school friends at the college we both graduated from. I can't even remember the last time I saw her - 3 years ago or more? Should be fun!

I FOUND A COAT!

$94 at Macy's, on sale for 50%+20% or something like that, ended up being $37! Perhaps a bit overwhelming, but I LOVE it!

Venting

• Could someone please explain to me the current ridiculous fad of spring jackets-COATS with 3/4 length sleeves??? I mean, what next? Short sleeved winter coats? Example: here - WHY??? All I want is a cute jacket that I can wear over my long-sleeved light-weight shirts for all this warmer-but-still-cool weather! I have looked in every store I can think of! I DARE YOU to find me a cute spring jacket under $75 with long sleeves. Oh, that's the other thing - why do they cost $100, when you don't even get full sleeves?

• You may have noticed that I haven't been posting as much lately. Let me tell you why. When we moved here, and started finishing the basement, all our computers were put down there to use. You might remember that it was difficult for me to get time down there because it wasn't safe for Marissa to play down there. So Dan brought home a laptop from work (he sometimes has to work at home, so they provided it for that reason), and I've been using that as my computer since we moved. Well, a few months ago, the power cord started slowing dying, and there has never been any battery left on this old thing. So once the cord officially was useless, Dan and Timmy took the laptop completely apart, and installed another power-cord-hole (whatever it's called) to make the cord start working again. It's not an exact match to this computer, but it has worked fine. Well, within the past month, it stopped working fine. It can be fine, all plugged in, and just sitting there, no one touching it, when all of a sudden, it unplugs. Which, with no battery, will all of a sudden make the computer turn itself off. So I'm usually right in the middle of something, and then I have to completely restart the computer. Needless to say, this is definitely NOT ideal, and actually ticks me off pretty good. I've been known to slam the laptop shut (I know, since it's such a quality piece of equipment, I should probably be more careful - lol), and the other night I almost threw it out our back window. So that's why you don't, and won't, see me on here very often. Once the basement is finished (and we are getting close! The bedroom and bathroom will be completely done by this weekend, except for carpet!) I will be able to get on my real computer, and let Marissa play in her playroom! YAY! But in the meantime, I'm probably trying desperately to read your site, only to have to restart my computer every 3 sentences.

I guess that's all of the venting. Work is still going pretty well. We have been able to go outside and take long walks, since the weather has been so awesome. And it's great. It wears the kids out, and makes the time go faster. Next weekend, Dan's parents and my parents are all coming out here for Marissa's 2nd birthday party!!! I can't believe it! I've been working hard at finishing all the painting in the basement, and my back is still killing me! Next week I will be busy cleaning and getting everything ready for the party weekend. So the next time I post, I'll probably be a mother of a 2-year old! Don't worry though, Marissa has been getting in LOTS of practice as a 2-year old!

The best/worst word in the toddler language, and other random tidbits

Marissa and H (at work, 5 months older than Rissa) sit across from each other for lunch, each in separate toddler seats. The other day, I was in the kitchen getting their lunches together, and I could hear them in the dining room:

Marissa: Mine!
H: No, mine!
Marissa: No, mine!
H: No, mine!

I peeked around the corner, confused, because what could they be fighting over? They were simply yelling at each other over nothing. Lol. And they were both grinning and giggling at the same time.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

I think I've finally found a "referee" technique that works. It actually works pretty well too, since H and Marissa are so close in age, and they generally understand things at about the same level. H always wants whatever toy Marissa happens to grab first, so it's "Marissa's turn" until she puts it down. They are not allowed to take a toy out of the others' hands. Either ask or wait til they're done. Same goes for Marissa. And the baby, M, as well (Well, I mean when H or Rissa wants something she's playing with, obviously not the other way around. Lol). So a kid will pick up something they want to play with, the other kid will scream across the room "MINE" and start running to retreive prized possesion, and before they even get there to smack down the other kid for said toy, I will stop them and remind them that it will be their turn when the other kid puts the toy down. Phew! I've always struggled when it comes to sharing toys between toddlers and how much/if at all to intervene. But I think this method is best for my sanity (less punching and pushing from the agressor - not Marissa by the way) and it's easy to be consistent, even if it's against my own daughter.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Friday night, Dan, Jeremy, Timmy, and I went to a Skillet concert. Wow. Kinda left me speechless. I'm not really sure why I agreed to go, maybe because Dan specifically asked me to. Anyways, I'm not sure what I was expecting, but it was definitely not what happened! The two bands who opened for Skillet were really, um, hardcore? I don't even know how to describe them. Not really my type of music. But somehow I really enjoyed the night. It was waaaaay too loud (aren't all concerts that way?) and we had to stand most of the time, but I forgot how much I like the bass boom in music. Lol. But I don't think I'd go again if I knew what I was in store for. And it probably would have helped if I had known any songs by any of the bands. Lol.

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Rach and I primed the basement room (that Dan and Jeremy finished drywalling) yesterday. And today my back is painfully spazzing like crazy. Not a good sign. Especially since we need to finish priming tonight, and then we still have to actually paint it soon too. I am definitely a wimp. But it was sooooo fun to paint! I can't wait to paint the rest of our house!

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

Anybody ever had Jamaican Jerk steak? On our honeymoon to St. Lucia, we ate at one of the restaurants at the resort almost every night, and I got the same thing every time - Jamaican Jerk pitas. Since then, we've been obsessed with that seasoning. We bought some down there to bring back with us, and it was just as good, but since that ran out, like 2 years ago, we've sadly missed it! We've tried numerous different bottles of "Jerk" seasoning from every store, but nothing even came close. Well, Dan found a recipe from a cooking show (don't ask, his thing, not mine!) and we tried it last week and it was complete heaven! It was the best steak I've ever had, and it was soooooo yummy and sooooo spicy - just perfect! And I'm not usually a steak person. But now I'm begging him to make it all the time! YUM!

* ~ * ~ * ~ *

I guess that's all for now. I have Wednesday and Thursday off from work, and I'm excited. The weather here is finally WONDERFUL and SPRINGY! And that just makes the world a better place! Haha. So I can't wait to take Marissa outside to enjoy it. We went outside this morning, while the baby was sleeping, and H and Marissa ran all over their yard. But there wasn't much to do, so I'll have to figure something out. Also, if the baby isn't sleeping (or can nap in a stroller - need to ask) I want to take some walks around their neighborhood. It's really nice, and has an old charm to it. But I need tips on keeping both toddlers from racing into the road or a mile ahead of me with a stroller! Should be interesting, at least they both listen pretty well, and I expect it to only get better with time.

Wow, Marissa slept for 2.5 hours at naptime! Wooohooo!

Music and stuff

If my life was were could be a musical, I'd want the soundtrack to be the soundtrack from The Holiday. I love that movie, but the music in it just makes it 10x better. More dramatic. More emotional. Happier. Sadder. Better.

So I know us "young folk" are supposed to be all about new technology, but I must admit that even though Dan has an iPod, I didn't get one until Tuesday. I did not buy it, but a friend (Thanks Timmy!) gave it to me, since he no longer used it. After spending forever trying to figure out iTunes, I finally filled it up with my music and listened to it for the first time last night. I had forgotten how great music is. I used to listen to music allllllllll the time. But since getting married, living in a small apartment, and having Marissa, and especially with all the changes music has gone through in my lifetime (tapes, cds, now mp3s), I haven't listened to music (other than in the car) in years! Last night I listened to so many songs I hadn't heard in ages, and realized I need to get back into listening to music. It's so amazing to me that I can hear a song I haven't heard in 8 years, and still know all the words, all the melody/harmonies, and even the random background vocals! Lol. If you know me, you know I have the WORST memory possible, without actually having a disease. But I can still remember song lyrics from high school. I'm sure I'm not the only person this applies to, which makes it even more impressive that the human mind can contain so much, even if it is useless song lyrics!

In other news, I know I haven't been updating as often as I should. I've just been busy I guess. I work every day 9-1, so when I get home, I put Marissa to sleep and take some time for myself. Or do dishes. Lol. Lately Marissa's been pushing her naptime from 1:30 when we get home, to 2:30 today. I don't know if it's because she almost falls asleep in the car, then wakes up too much to fall back asleep right away. Or if she's just getting older and not needing a nap as early. But she's been babbling for 40 minutes, then whining for 5, then starts crying, so I have to go up and re-start the nap routine to get her back on track. It's pretty pitiful to watch/listen to her cry so hard for "down" when I know she just needs to lay down and she'll crash. Several days in a row, when I went back up, she got so mad that she just wouldn't lay down. I always ask her if she wants her blanket on, and she said no. But as soon as I would go to leave, she'd get hysterical because she wanted her blanket on! Too funny. At least she's still eventually sleeping. Thank heavens she's not in a big girl bed yet, so I can keep her contained in her crib!

On top of still being at a new job with Marissa, I have had a stupid cold/allergies for almost a week now. It's really getting old. My poor nose and throat are just killing me. Marissa has had a stuffy/runny nose too, but it doesn't seem to bother her at all. I've also been waking up with a stiff neck all week, I think because I've been carrying a baby around a lot at work, and I'm not used to that. Ouch. But work is as fun as work can be I guess. Marissa and H have so much fun together, when they're not fighting "MINE!!!" over any toy they see. Lol. Today at lunch, they were buckled in separate seats across the table from each other, and I still heard "MINE!" "NO MINE!" over and over while I made lunch. But they really play well most of the time. H has already learned a few of my rules, and although he doesn't always follow them, he always remembers the second I say something. I've been having trouble getting the baby, M, down for a nap the past few days, so she ends up sleeping in her swing. I know the mom doesn't care, but I really hope it doesn't start to become a habit, because it's annoying!

The other day I went shopping at Target. Definitely one of my weaknesses. Especially for Marissa. But she genuinely needed a spring jacket and a bathing suit, among other things, so here is what she got:



Two-pieces are necessary for her, since I have to buy it for waist size, instead of height. Lol. And I also expect to be potty training this summer. I was also looking for a spring jacket for myself, but didn't find A THING! In Kohl's, the only spring jackets they had were $100! The jacket I got Marissa also comes in khaki, and I really just want the same one in my size! Do you think OshKosh will help me out at all? Lol.

Well, Marissa woke up. Rachel (my sis who lives with us) is making dinner tonight (YAY!) so I just need to do some dishes. And I really need to go get my bloodwork done. I was supposed to have it taken 3 months after the last time (sometime after my miscarriage in December), and 3 months was the beginning of March. Oooops! Hopefully I'll have time today, and will finally stop forgetting!

Pregnancy, miscarriage, fertility, infertility, siblings, honesty, and JEALOUSY

This post has been brewing in my head for about a month, and it's time to get some things off my chest. I've been hesitant to write about all of this, because many of my friends are pregnant, or just had new babies. I want to say that I honestly am happy for all of you (I'll only say that once, but it will be true throughout this whole post). I still love to hear about the pregnancies, births, and new-baby life. But at the same time, I hate to hear about them, because I want it to be me. This may not be the best written post, and it might be a bunch of disjointed thoughts, but it's something I need to say.

I thought I was supposed to have a baby in March. When I miscarried in July/August, I knew for a week or so that it was probably going to happen. I was upset, but since we got pregnant so easily, I moved on quickly with plans for another baby as soon as possible. But since my second miscarriage in December, March didn't pass by as easily as I had expected. Babies have been born to moms that got pregnant around the same time I did. And it kills me inside to miss that for myself. June/July will be even harder than March has been, because I thought I was supposed to have a baby then as well. And it will kill me inside to miss that for myself. And Marissa.

I don't have any doubts that as soon as we start trying again, I'll get pregnant easily. But we are waiting for other reasons, and it's killing me inside. We've discussed it in great length, but it's best that we wait.

I also feel so guilty for that, because there are so many women who don't have that confidence. They've tried for months or even years, and still don't have a healthy child to show for it. What right do I have to complain about my perfectly wonderful (yet small) family?

My new job. Families I see in stores. Siblings on blogs I read. There are so many times I hurt inside because I want to give Marissa a sibling. When she turned 1, I realized that I wanted a small age difference, and even if I got pregnant right that second, it was going to be a bigger difference that I ideally wanted. Almost a year later, we are still no closer to having a sibling for her, and she's only getting older. To watch her with the 7 month old at my new job, I just know she would be THE PERFECT big sister. She's so gentle, giving kisses and hugs any time the baby even starts to whimper. She tells me to pick the baby up to make her feel better. She gives her toys, her pacifier, and even tried to give her her bottle once. She's been in love with every baby she's seen for at least 6 months.

I want to be pregnant. I want to feel a life growing inside me. I want to have 9 months of giddy anticipation. I want to ENJOY newborn life, because with Marissa I was so miserable breastfeeding at first, I don't even remember her first 4 months or so. I want to watch Marissa cuddle a tiny baby, and have that baby be ours. I want to watch Marissa grow up to be close to her siblings, in age and in love.

There were so many thoughts in my head, somehow I thought this post would be longer. But I guess that about sums it up. I am suffering from extreme jealousy and bitterness. I realize I have so much to be thankful for, but it's hard, when there's still so much that I want for our life. I'm doing better with it, but I still have a long way to go, and I'm not sure I'll ever be completely over it all. Somewhere, God has a reason for all this CRAP that I've gone through. But I'm still waiting to find that out.

Ketchup

Easter Weekend
My parents and brother Jeff arrived from NY Thursday night, and my grandparents from PA arrived Friday for dinner. We pretty much just sat around, talked, played with Marissa, and ate awesome food. But on Saturday the men went to some museum and the rest of us went to get Marissa's FIRST HAIR CUT! We went to one of those kid's places so Marissa got to sit in a car and watch The Wiggles while the lady took 2 seconds to snip Marissa's mullet off. Lol. It looked kinda weird at first, but after a bath it curled under, and looks pretty cute. We had so much fun with all the family here. Marissa loved everybody and had a blast. It's kinda funny, because she must have been so confused by all the grandparents and their names! She calls my mom "Mum!"(I called her "Mom" too often in front of her), my dad is "Pah-pah" but so were my grandparents, and she says "Pah-pah" the same way for Dan's dad too! As soon as they all left though, she was asking for every single one of them! This is how it went:

Rissa: "Mum? Pah-pah? Jep?"
Me: "They went to NY" or "They went to PA"
Rissa: "Me, Nyork"
Me: "You want to go to NY?"
Rissa: "Yeah!"
Me: "Me too"
Rissa: "Shoes?"

She really thought we'd be going! Poor girl. I wish we all lived closer. It was sad for everyone to leave, but my parents will be back for Marissa's birthday in a month, and hopefully Dan's parents will be able to come too. Oh, that reminds me, I need to go buy her the little bike from Walmart before they run out!

New Job
Monday was the first day of my new job. We got there a little before 9, and got home a little before 2. I wonder if she'll pay extra when she's late? Anyways, it wasn't too bad. The baby girl, M, is 7 months old and the boy, H, is 5 months older than Marissa. Marissa and H played well together most of the time. They pushed a dump truck back and forth forever. Both enjoyed throwing balls all over the place. But M was a tough baby today. She seemed pretty easy going when we visited last week, but today she just was not happy. It doesn't help that the mother doesn't have any sort of routine for her, she just said feed her when she's hungry and put her in her bed when she's tired. Hopefully once she gets to know me better, she won't be as grumpy. H was a little aggressive with Marissa, which I was expecting and prepared for. It made her scared of him for a few minutes each time he did something, but she got over it quickly. I think it will be good for Marissa to be a little rougher and tougher, but I won't let him hurt her. Marissa loved baby M. Every time she started crying, Rissa would run over to her and try to hug her. It was so cute, even though it made M cry even harder. Lol. The morning went by very slowly, but also quickly too somehow. The hardest part was lunch, because that was when M was the most grumpy, and I was scrounging around their kitchen for something Marissa might eat. H is a good eater, so hopefully that will rub off on Marissa a little bit! It was kinda annoying because they don't have very many clocks in their house, and every clock I saw had a different (wrong) time on it! So I had to carry around my phone in my pocket all morning so I had some idea of what time it was. All in all, though, it wasn't awful. And I suspect it might get better after a few days. I'm starting off by being very strict with H so he knows his limits! I have no desire to watch a boy that I've grown to hate because he won't listen to me! I think this job will be ok, as long as H learns I'm the boss, and as long as M starts liking me.

We got home from work at 2, and I rushed Marissa into her crib. She slept for over 2 hours, while I recovered from our crazy morning. Their house was pretty chilly, so I got to curl up on my couch with my blanket and read some blogs

When Rach got home Monday night, Dan and I went to Brio (Italian restaurant) while Rach watched Rissa. I didn't really want to go, because I felt bad about not giving Marissa my full attention all day at work, but Dan and I enjoyed the time alone, and Marissa had fun with Rach. I'm nervous that Marissa will start to act up or be upset since we've never worked every day before, and it will be more difficult for me to give her the same attention she's used to. Hopefully I can make up for it when we're home.

The first three days of working have gone better than I expected. By Tuesday the baby was happy and fine with me, and Marissa and H get along so well. Marissa loves the baby too. It is wearing her out though - today she slept for 3 hours! Totally unheard of for her!

I guess that's all. If you're on Xanga, I posted zillions of pictures. If you're on Xanga and I don't have you on my list, just let me know. If I know you well enough, I'll add you so you can see pictures!